Winning A Mature Mom

Hi baby,

Last Saturday marked your 11th birthday! You are fast approaching your manhood, and last Sunday, we talked about it in an indirect way. You were asking permission from me to attend mass with your friends instead of me and Lola. How painful, yet inevitable. I just sighed at you, and didn't allow that. I'm sorry baby, but I am just not yet ready. A few weeks back, you wanted no chaperone for your field trip, I also didn't allow you. You thought I didn't trust you can handle yourself, I told you the truth: I trusted you, but I cannot entrust you to circumstances. I know your teachers can very well manage, but I am not confident with the idea, how else do you expect me to act? We agreed that next year, you can join your field trip without chaperone (even if it is my turn to join you next year), provided you can prove to Lola that you can be mature for that. Despite my saying no, you reciprocated me with a bag of chocolates! How touched I am! You are so sweet, so loving, and so inspirational.

Most of the times, I can catch myself being selfish with you. I didn't mean to, but you know, I apologize for not letting you go when I have to. You are my only prize in life! You are my strength. This line is over used, but I feel it, right here,,right now at the welling of my tears as I type.

Anak, I am practicing to call you Anak, instead of Bhe, or Baby. Retouching my intro, you are fast becoming a man than I am ready for. Anak, just wanted to congratulate you. For being so loving, and sweet, your patience with me slowly wins you a mature mother. You are mature yourself, for your age and situation, I have deep knowledge that you influence me more than I thought possible.

Thank you Anak for bearing with me. As if you had a choice. :) But seriously, Anak, thank you for growing with me. I guess the best part of our relationship is that we grow together. You know I was so young when I had you. I had to fast track everything when I gave birth to you. Up to now, there are still traces of immaturity and selfishness in me that only a single person can afford. And yet, despite your existence, I still hang on to my stubborn self and prioritized myself often. My career, my social life, my dreams, my relationships... All these years, even if you are always part of me and my plans, and even if I know I plan with you, I still realize it is still all about me. I am sorry for the selfishness. By switching to auto-mother mode, I missed a lot of important lessons that I know would be helpful for me in raising a child. By jumping onto motherhood, my performance couldn't measure up. Sometimes I think I could have been a better mother when I have you at 30, than at 19. And yet, now I hope I am not yet too late. I am 30 now, and may you always guide me right.

It is not that I just got tired, it is because I am afraid that you would get tired of me. I am sorry it took me this long, this 11 years to really accept that you deserved more than I gave you credit for.

Anak, let us do this together. I cannot do it without you. I need your help to transform for you, with you. Please do not give up on me...

Anak I love you. Always has, always will,
Mommy