Balancing Fun and No-fun

Hello Anak,

I’ve just finished washing out the garage, and while am fixing some video file which takes a bit too slow to finish, I thought of writing to you again…

Yes, we are supposed to be together right now, but a promise is a promise, and you don’t break a promise to a kid. There you are, in your favorite computer shop where you meet with your friends and play some war online game. I really tried to delay you, I confess. The day is scorching hot, I can just imagine a non-airconditioned room with plenty of computers around, you must be very hot but you don’t mind. It is one of your favorite past times.

Anyways, you know I kind of disapprove you spending a lot of time in front of a computer. I am an IT practitioner; I know how tiring it can get to be seated affront a monitor with vivid, moving colors. Maybe that is why you’ve developed the fondness in computers, because I used to take you to my workplace when you were little. And for you to not get bored and eventually disturb me at work, I collect kiddie flicks and let you watch them, or I allow you to play online on some kiddie websites. Even then, I thought exposing you to computers may be beneficial as the education system now gets all high-tech and digital and online. I wanted you to be virtually comfortable and yet careful.

But now, I kind of think it is bad for your eyes, and bad for your imagination. The kinds of games you are playing, I do not like them. I do not like that you are out there sitting for a long time when you can run around and play with the neighborhood kids. Maybe that is the thing with parents, we are eager to teach our kids something we thought are good and cute and fun, but when the kids already got a grasp of it and got bored and try something more challenging, there we are, trying to isolate our kids away from the matter. I’ve read a nice article once that some parents are eager to teach their kids how to walk, and were so delighted when kids are able to walk some baby steps..but when the kid learns to run, the parents just wished they would stop, it makes the parents tired running after their kids. It is really kind of funny, and sort of sad..Because it is true.

Anak I really hope you don’t lose yourself into all of those. One of life’s greatest armor, and greatest defense, is self-control. For me it is not bad to have fun, clean fun. When it rains outside, I always encourage playing in the rain. I just want you to have a happy childhood,,,a fully happy childhood. I wanted to expose you to many things and learn as many lessons through experience. And that includes, self-control, even when things get extremely fun.

I hope you would consider this...I love you anak, always have, always will!



Mommy

Still at work..

Hello Baby,

Mom's still at work...I just read your message saying:"Mommy uwi ka na pls."You have no idea how heartbreaking such message can be, especially when I know I am being out most of the times.

Bhe, I am sorry. I have not been around for most of your days. Last night, I am tormented by a similar message from you. And most days before that... I feel guilty for the days you wanted me beside you, but I couldn't. Funny how we can be of the same time zone, but of different time space. And yet, I still haven't managed how we can be more together, more often.

As days go by, I realize you need more of me for your studies or for your life in general. It is unfair of me and for you or for Lola to be always fighting over petty things when I should be the one you're being with. A few weeks back, you asked me, begged me in fact, to help you with your studies. I know how you wanted to make up for failed grades, and you admitted you need me. I promised you, and yet right now, I feel like I've not done enough. Here I am, still out. Whew! It is so hard being away from you.

Anak, right now, I need your prayers. I need you to pray that I find a job that will be equally fair for us. Maybe, I need to find a way to avoid my lame excuse.

In 2007, I was kind of thrilled about the way my career was heading. I graduated that year, and so I thought I could be with your more. But then my job always took me to different places, sometimes for long periods. Even so, I didn’t regret it. At the time I felt like it was a good investment for my time, that even if I wasn't around always, at least when I get back to you, I always have earned something that I cannot earn somewhere else. And so you always patiently waited for me. You understood my absence for important events in your school life. I was grateful that at such a young age, you were able to express how mature you were...You supported me...You understood.

And after that, I resigned for a greener pasture. We had a better life; we were able to be almost financially worry-free. But it entailed that I had to work longer hours, had to be home when you are already asleep, and leave before you even knew I slept beside you. It was such a struggle, but somehow I thought I would just maximize my time, I tried to earned more money than usual. I was able to take you to places, and yet was able to see you less.

It came to a point when I thought; somehow, I have to make up to you. On my days off, or whenever I am home, I learned how to disregard interruptions. I never took calls whenever I am with you. At least I learned that when I am at work, I am focused on work. But when I am a mother, I'd not settle for less than that. I was nearly congratulating myself for having thought of such solution. And I knew you, too! You'd see me ignore calls, and I tell you they are no more important than you are. For me, the world can have me for 5 days a week, but for the remaining 2 days that I spend with you, nobody can penetrate.

Oh how I wish it will always be that easy. Competition got stiffer, jobs were lost everywhere, and recession ate the working population. Still, I was lucky enough to have a continuity of my job. I knew you prayed for that, but having less of me was not what you signed up for.

I always go home irritable, hungry, tired. When you talk, I can only hear you, but I couldn't listen. I always wanted to sleep when I get home, forgetting that you were trying to stay awake to catch me. Until I decided to take a dorm, near my work...that is against your will. Sill, your stubborn mom couldn't be talked out, Lola even supported it. And then you started behaving irritably, you learned of some hobby that I couldn't take you off... You are beginning to be busy with your world, that here I am, struggling to be in it once more.

And so with this letter, I hope you'd know that you and I cannot not work for our relationship. We have yet to build our foundation, so that we will never falter when we get older.

Time and again, I tell you, we have to help each other. There is just the two of us. Your father left us when you were little, and I am still trying to fix things so that when you get older, the road is straighter than it is now. At the end of the day, we will settle into a world were only the two of us will prevail. We have to build the foundation for that future so strongly now.

And just for tonight, I'd like to finish this letter with a few more words for you. I love you. We can make this, ok?

Please do not give up on me. I am perfection in progress...


With all my heart,

Mommy

Winning A Mature Mom

Hi baby,

Last Saturday marked your 11th birthday! You are fast approaching your manhood, and last Sunday, we talked about it in an indirect way. You were asking permission from me to attend mass with your friends instead of me and Lola. How painful, yet inevitable. I just sighed at you, and didn't allow that. I'm sorry baby, but I am just not yet ready. A few weeks back, you wanted no chaperone for your field trip, I also didn't allow you. You thought I didn't trust you can handle yourself, I told you the truth: I trusted you, but I cannot entrust you to circumstances. I know your teachers can very well manage, but I am not confident with the idea, how else do you expect me to act? We agreed that next year, you can join your field trip without chaperone (even if it is my turn to join you next year), provided you can prove to Lola that you can be mature for that. Despite my saying no, you reciprocated me with a bag of chocolates! How touched I am! You are so sweet, so loving, and so inspirational.

Most of the times, I can catch myself being selfish with you. I didn't mean to, but you know, I apologize for not letting you go when I have to. You are my only prize in life! You are my strength. This line is over used, but I feel it, right here,,right now at the welling of my tears as I type.

Anak, I am practicing to call you Anak, instead of Bhe, or Baby. Retouching my intro, you are fast becoming a man than I am ready for. Anak, just wanted to congratulate you. For being so loving, and sweet, your patience with me slowly wins you a mature mother. You are mature yourself, for your age and situation, I have deep knowledge that you influence me more than I thought possible.

Thank you Anak for bearing with me. As if you had a choice. :) But seriously, Anak, thank you for growing with me. I guess the best part of our relationship is that we grow together. You know I was so young when I had you. I had to fast track everything when I gave birth to you. Up to now, there are still traces of immaturity and selfishness in me that only a single person can afford. And yet, despite your existence, I still hang on to my stubborn self and prioritized myself often. My career, my social life, my dreams, my relationships... All these years, even if you are always part of me and my plans, and even if I know I plan with you, I still realize it is still all about me. I am sorry for the selfishness. By switching to auto-mother mode, I missed a lot of important lessons that I know would be helpful for me in raising a child. By jumping onto motherhood, my performance couldn't measure up. Sometimes I think I could have been a better mother when I have you at 30, than at 19. And yet, now I hope I am not yet too late. I am 30 now, and may you always guide me right.

It is not that I just got tired, it is because I am afraid that you would get tired of me. I am sorry it took me this long, this 11 years to really accept that you deserved more than I gave you credit for.

Anak, let us do this together. I cannot do it without you. I need your help to transform for you, with you. Please do not give up on me...

Anak I love you. Always has, always will,
Mommy