Still at work..

Hello Baby,

Mom's still at work...I just read your message saying:"Mommy uwi ka na pls."You have no idea how heartbreaking such message can be, especially when I know I am being out most of the times.

Bhe, I am sorry. I have not been around for most of your days. Last night, I am tormented by a similar message from you. And most days before that... I feel guilty for the days you wanted me beside you, but I couldn't. Funny how we can be of the same time zone, but of different time space. And yet, I still haven't managed how we can be more together, more often.

As days go by, I realize you need more of me for your studies or for your life in general. It is unfair of me and for you or for Lola to be always fighting over petty things when I should be the one you're being with. A few weeks back, you asked me, begged me in fact, to help you with your studies. I know how you wanted to make up for failed grades, and you admitted you need me. I promised you, and yet right now, I feel like I've not done enough. Here I am, still out. Whew! It is so hard being away from you.

Anak, right now, I need your prayers. I need you to pray that I find a job that will be equally fair for us. Maybe, I need to find a way to avoid my lame excuse.

In 2007, I was kind of thrilled about the way my career was heading. I graduated that year, and so I thought I could be with your more. But then my job always took me to different places, sometimes for long periods. Even so, I didn’t regret it. At the time I felt like it was a good investment for my time, that even if I wasn't around always, at least when I get back to you, I always have earned something that I cannot earn somewhere else. And so you always patiently waited for me. You understood my absence for important events in your school life. I was grateful that at such a young age, you were able to express how mature you were...You supported me...You understood.

And after that, I resigned for a greener pasture. We had a better life; we were able to be almost financially worry-free. But it entailed that I had to work longer hours, had to be home when you are already asleep, and leave before you even knew I slept beside you. It was such a struggle, but somehow I thought I would just maximize my time, I tried to earned more money than usual. I was able to take you to places, and yet was able to see you less.

It came to a point when I thought; somehow, I have to make up to you. On my days off, or whenever I am home, I learned how to disregard interruptions. I never took calls whenever I am with you. At least I learned that when I am at work, I am focused on work. But when I am a mother, I'd not settle for less than that. I was nearly congratulating myself for having thought of such solution. And I knew you, too! You'd see me ignore calls, and I tell you they are no more important than you are. For me, the world can have me for 5 days a week, but for the remaining 2 days that I spend with you, nobody can penetrate.

Oh how I wish it will always be that easy. Competition got stiffer, jobs were lost everywhere, and recession ate the working population. Still, I was lucky enough to have a continuity of my job. I knew you prayed for that, but having less of me was not what you signed up for.

I always go home irritable, hungry, tired. When you talk, I can only hear you, but I couldn't listen. I always wanted to sleep when I get home, forgetting that you were trying to stay awake to catch me. Until I decided to take a dorm, near my work...that is against your will. Sill, your stubborn mom couldn't be talked out, Lola even supported it. And then you started behaving irritably, you learned of some hobby that I couldn't take you off... You are beginning to be busy with your world, that here I am, struggling to be in it once more.

And so with this letter, I hope you'd know that you and I cannot not work for our relationship. We have yet to build our foundation, so that we will never falter when we get older.

Time and again, I tell you, we have to help each other. There is just the two of us. Your father left us when you were little, and I am still trying to fix things so that when you get older, the road is straighter than it is now. At the end of the day, we will settle into a world were only the two of us will prevail. We have to build the foundation for that future so strongly now.

And just for tonight, I'd like to finish this letter with a few more words for you. I love you. We can make this, ok?

Please do not give up on me. I am perfection in progress...


With all my heart,

Mommy